Back To Basics

A lot of changes have been happening, I guess things are always changing, inside us and around us. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up!
For a while now I’ve been noticing things around me that I wish I could change, but things inside me that have changed too e.g. increased irritation in carrying out daily tasks that were once, believe it or not, enjoyable.

There are numerous things that can irritate people and increase stress levels, sometimes a person may be covering up the irritation, brushing it under the rug to keep the peace. But how long can we keep this up? Slowly but surely it builds up,  you find yourself just dealing with situations, or trudging through, day after day, the small doses of stress and irritation do add up. And in my case those negative feelings have been getting louder each day and are in full confidence now and appear in full force at the slightest ‘issue’. It’s frustrating. You don’t want to upset people around you, you want to carry on with your duty, but you can’t help feeling this way. When stresses and worries are constant, it takes less to tip the scales and cause high levels of agitation, anger, upset etc. even from minor situations.

Today I was thinking back to when I enjoyed chores and doing things for other people, over time my feelings of wanting to do things my way, in my time, according to my schedule, doing things in peace, without interruptions, using my time for myself without having to run errands, and basically feelings of putting myself first, have caused a great resistance against others and within my self. But why has this happened?
Over time I’ve been able to pin point the reasons why these feelings are so strong now and it actually is not a big deal. I have an issue with time and wanting to fit in loads of things into my day, so whenever other people require my assistance it means there’s less time for me to do my ‘stuff’, but what am I thinking? There are plenty of hours in the day to balance my tasks. This is one example of how I put too much strain on my self. And this strain affects those around me, as well as my self, just like the feelings of stress and negativity from others can affect you, you can affect them. Check your daily stresses and what has changed?

This morning I am making a decision to be accepting of, rather then resisting, my duties toward others, and being happy while I do it. But still maintaining space and time for my self. Other people’s demands don’t stop, there will always be something that needs to be done, so one has to be careful of how much you say yes to. Having said that there may be some stresses in your life that are not worth carrying on your shoulders, but I’m talking about the small things, the daily stresses, that are not worth the emotional resources they’re using. Those emotional resources could be much better used when needed in a bigger situation.
Going back to basics for me, at this moment, means returning to my acceptance of my duty to my family, something simple that I made so complicated!

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius, and a lot of courage, to move in the opposite direction.” Albert Einstein

Problems on Repeat

The pull of depression, or feeling motionless can give you some insight into the problems you’re facing. Why does it keep happening? What makes things so difficult? And while our lives are spent behind this glass ceiling we are missing the experiences that life has to offer.

“You’re struggling so hard with your problem that it’s all you can concentrate on.”

The above quote is from a novel I recently started, and the timing couldn’t be perfect since today was one of those ‘stuck’ days. And if I look back to some of my written thoughts from a few months ago I find something similar. I’d written about still holding onto things and not having worked through things, which caused me to spend too much time thinking about them and letting them get in the way of life! Not much has changed. It’s frustrating but it’s a reminder.

The feeling of being stuck, and actually being stuck on the same problems, can come from issues around control; either feeling you have too little control or too much of it! Both can prevent people from seeing a realistic solution to a problem and leads to the feeling of being stuck with no way out. Imagine a rainy day but instead of wearing wellies or taking shelter you just keep straining through it, trudging along. Thinking too much about your depressed state, your stresses, your problems etc. can make you vulnerable to depression and also maintain your depression. It’s known as depressive rumination. It’s not always bad e.g. going over negative events can help you make sense of them/ accept them and even ease their pain e.g. mourning a loss. But it is a behaviour that can be non beneficial. It can be difficult to stop the thought pattern but thinking too much about a problem can be very unhealthy.

There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so – William Shakespeare

If there is a problem to solve then try and put some goals or actions in place to help you solve it. If it’s something that can’t be changed, something that has happened in the past, learn to accept it and carry on with life. If you find yourself pondering over the same problems or feeling persistently frustrated and you don’t know why, it’s probably worth speaking to a professional, or someone who could help shed some light on the issue to help you understand where it’s coming from. Getting a perspective from someone other than yourself could be helpful.

It helps to do more things with your time; meet friends, allow yourself to experience something different, start a new hobby, visit theaters/ galleries/ theme parks or whatever your interest lies in, something that will help you see more of life and other people, and give you less time and space to run around your thoughts. The negative effects of seclusion can be far greater than the discomfort of being around people.
Enjoy the moments when you do feel relaxed instead of thinking ahead about what might happen tomorrow, all feelings and emotions can change from day to day so take time to enjoy the good days and good moments, problems don’t last forever but it’s your choice how you approach and resolve them.

And below is a short but effective example on holding onto problems:

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?” Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz. She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”
She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.” It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses. Remember to put the glass down!

Something Lost, Something Gained

Life seems to have been filled with so much lately! I’ve written a couple of posts but then decide to write about something else. This one takes precedence because of the significance recent events have had and the way they’ve allowed me to shift my perspective (for once in quite a while!)

A couple of weeks ago a family member was taken in to hospital (again), and seeing anyone, especially your family, in pain or ill health can knock you back a lot. The implications this had- balancing full time work, household duties and hospital visits just caused me to feel so defeated and deflated. I remember wandering in circles thinking ‘I CAN’T DO THIS… I CAN’T DO THIS’. Even though I’ve done it many times before. When a member of the family isn’t present it really does feel so different, the environment changes. But when it went back to normal so did my thoughts. I just felt so burdened by everything, no energy, silence, no motivation. Sitting alone at nights I would question my state and felt like I’ve been stuck here for too long! The same memories and thoughts kept appearing, I couldn’t find reason to be happy or find something to make me ‘feel good’, or feel anything for that matter.

But a couple of days ago the father of one of my friends passed away. It was a shock and to my own surprise I was emotional the whole day. It was a bit too much, just staying in my own head, feeling the pain of loss, feeling for my friend and her family, and still feeling quite crap because every part of life left me feeling empty. I decided to see some friends the next day, attend the funeral and then the day after we visited the family at home. The time spent with my friends has been beautiful, I can’t explain the comfort, inspiration and blessings they bring. Each of them have stories to share and wisdom to give and through our conversations I’ve been uplifted and have found that these are some of the riches in life.
Instead of feeling alone, thinking about my self and trying to find a way back into ‘normality’ what I needed was to sit with others and reconnect. I was reminded that life is bigger than my self and that happiness does not lie in what I acquire but what I give.

All around us people are chasing success, they want to have the best of this world, they want the fame, wealth and beauty, they want perfection and smooth sailing, but at the cost of what? Some things are not worth sacrificing.
The nature of this life is that there is hardship with ease, this world is not one on which we will stay forever and the things we possess or gain or lose are as temporary as our stay here. After feeling stuck for quite some time it feels good to feel a bit of hope, realizing that life is in the hands of God and a release of pressure knowing that He has control so I needn’t be so afraid of losing it.

Being able to see the blessings that God has given us is a great blessing in itself. Sometimes we are forced to go through certain situations as God’s plan and to realize why He unfolded things like that is quite amazing. In this difficult time for my friend she was able to see how fortunate she was in how things took place, some things that happened recently and even last year fell into place and were ‘blessings in disguise’, her gratitude is really admirable! It’s the blessings in life that make life so rich, whether that’s a family to love and care for or friends that make life brighter, we all have numerous things that we are blessed with. Sometimes we can fall into holes that stop us seeing above or beyond our own experiences but it’s worth taking time to try and count the good in your life, even if you have to say them out loud in a time of darkness, it really does give you clearer sight.
Being grateful for the blessings doesn’t mean ignoring the problems or difficulties but being patient and accepting that it is part of life and part of God’s plan.

For me this past week has been a progression to a place I thought I’d left behind; A place with hope and good feelings. That doesn’t mean I won’t fall back but at least it’s given me some drive in moving forward.

“Reflect upon your present blessings — of which every man has many — not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” – Charles Dickens

The Victim Mentality

In every story there are heroes and villains, even in our own stories. Think about the ‘good’ people in your life, and the ‘bad’ people and where do you fit into this?

It’s true our environments and the people around us shape us, to an extent, and that as a ‘victim’ there are a lot of bad people and bad things around us, which make our life bad, but if others are bad then that means we are good and we are right and it’s not our fault these bad things are happening. It’s easier to be the ‘victim’ and we’d all prefer to be the victim than the perpetrator.

The victim mentality leads us to believe that we are under attack or that we are a target for others negativity. We feel a high frequency of negative emotional states as a result of this mentality (and a few short- lived positive feelings.) It is a personality trait that develops over time, with eventual habitual thoughts. This could occur for several reasons including a desire for sympathy and/ or believing that you had no control over a negative event that occurred.

The manifestation of the victim mentality can be seen in several ways. Such as: blaming others for events that occurred, not taking responsibility for your own actions or for your own input in your situation, every time you try and help this person see things from a different perspective they will either become defensive or stubborn; ‘yeah but…’ will often be heard, or responses that make you feel like you’re being selfish, unhelpful and inconsiderate. But in reality the person is not ready to own the reality. They compare themselves to others e.g. questioning why negative things happen to them and believing that everyone else is generally more happier and living better lives than them. They generally have a negative outlook on life and readily focus on the bad. They may also exhibit feelings of powerlessness, helplessness and being self absorbed.

“The problem that we have with a victim mentality is that we forget to see the blessings of the day. Because of this, our spirit is poisoned instead of nourished.” – Steve Maraboli

The victim mentality is an example of learned helplessness. For example having parents who did not take responsibility for things or having experienced bullying during childhood.
In the Muslim or South Asian population there are other factors that tend to cause people to feel helpless and factors that make it quite easy to shift the blame off ourselves: Evil Eye and Black Magic.

I believe these are real phenomena, but I also know that a lot of people, especially elders, living in the West tend to focus on these as the causes for negative events that occur in their life. Especially regarding ones physical and mental health. When someone is unsuccessful in several job interviews, when someone’s marriage breaks off, when a person is feeling depressed; ‘it’s evil eye’ or ‘someone’s done this’. And people start becoming suspicious; start thinking of who and why someone would be out to destroy their life. The situation is easier to live with in some ways, for example if a person is experiencing depression caused by ongoing family issues but the family decide that someone has done black magic- all responsibility from immediate family members is removed, responsibility from the individual is removed, there is less chance for anyone to believe they are part of the problem and little belief that they have control over the situation to change it.

I know sometimes it’s difficult to let go of significant events that have burdened you for years, but as adults we owe it to ourselves to reconcile with our stories and overcome the defeatist attitude. It is very important for people to take responsibility for our own lives and actions. In addressing this mentality it’s important to be empathic in your approach and try to really hear where the person is coming from.
I always thought I had everything worked out but then I found myself being overtaken by constant repetition of my problems, always thinking about the things that have occurred and things that I was ‘victim’ to. A personality is difficult to change but not impossible, and the first step is being aware of the victim mentality anytime it emerges.

“Indeed, God will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (Quran 13:11)

Religious Advice Giving

Religion has been shown to increase recovery from mental ill health episodes and relapses, to provide more efficient progression from ill states and to provide beneficial coping mechanisms in times of difficulty (note: there can also be negative religious coping mechanisms).
Spirituality has been found to have positive effects on psychological outcomes in adolescents, and emerging adults, with depression, self esteem and personality issues and risky behaviours (DeHaan, Schnabelrauch & Yonker, 2012) and spirituality and religiosity have been associated with more optimistic life orientation, greater perceived social support, higher resilience to stress and lower levels of anxiety amongst recoverers of substance abuse (Pardini, Plante, Sherman & Stump, 2000).

Personally I feel religion is a great help in providing perspective, structure and calmness on a daily basis and always assists in questioning my behaviour, responses and attitudes. Sort of like a yard- stick. I have always found that my experiences of depressive episodes are relational to my spiritual state. E.g. Feeling low in mood and energy and then skipping prayers which leads to further low levels, but feeling low in energy and still carrying out prayers leads to increase in positive state. But I don’t know what comes first to help and hinder the cycle; the feeling or the action, I just know they’re related and have an influence on one another.

It can be difficult for people with ill mental to open up, to express and talk about their feelings and issues. And it’s even more difficult when the person they open up to becomes an ‘advice giver’ rather than a listener. The person who’s hearing the information will feel like they are doing/ saying the right thing but it can actually be completely wrong for the other person.
In reality how often do we actually really hear what another person is saying?
We’re often too caught up in getting our knowledge out there, getting our own voice and opinions heard and jumping a step ahead in conversations.
It’s common for people to use the comparison card-
“why are you feeling like that, think about the people in Africa and Syria who are struggling and have nothing”.
Or- “You shouldn’t be feeling like that, if you just pray and ask God for help/ if you follow religion correctly won’t feel like that”.
Of course they have good reason for saying things along those lines because they are drawing on Islamic teachings that can be extremely beneficial such as:

“Do not look to those above you. Look to those below you (less fortunate than you) as it will more likely remind you of the favours Allah has bestowed upon you. “(Prophet Mohammed peace be upon him) – Reported by Muslim
and
“Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest”. [Quran 13:28]

However at the time the person giving that ‘advice’ is overlooking one of the most important teachings that the Prophet brought to us, the universal message of mercy and compassion as he was “sent only as a mercy to all creation.” [Qur’an, 21.107]

“I was only sent to perfect noble character.” [Ahmed].

And the Prophet would make each person feel like they were the most important; he was attentive in his body language in speech and would listen to their concerns and show compassion even when the person was heading down a slippery road.

When someone is feeling low, or is courageously sharing their feelings with you, the best, and first, thing to offer is validation of their feelings. Offering good counsel is a duty but not in a way that causes more harm than good.

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak” [Epictetus]

The Black Hole of ‘Do What You Love’

“You should do what makes you happy” how many times have we heard this? I’m guilty of advocating this too and trying to live by it.

Growing up in a Pakistani household in the West there’s always clashes of cultures and values. One of them being: the responsibility of females to look after the house v feminist views of empowering women to do more than that.

It doesn’t help when you have ill mental health. Already you’re in a world where ideals seem unreachable, everything in the world feels like an illusion and you’re trying to be happy like everyone else. On top of that there’s the constant struggle to do what you need to do and doing what you like to do and doing what everyone thinks is good for you i.e. tons of articles about doing things that make you happy!

For such a long time I’ve been wanting to (and trying to as much as I can) do things that make ME happy, as a consequence this involved resisting things that I just didn’t want to do, things that I felt conflict with e.g. a decrease in the amount of housework I done because I just didn’t like doing it anymore and it didn’t make me happy so why would I put myself through that?!
The reason I used to do those things happily before was because I placed more value on family but this gradually changed to just thinking about myself, fuelled by the ideal of living the life you love. I’m trying to tie three things together because they all were equally involved in my constantly conflicted state, and they are summarized below:

1. Learning and practicing humanistic counselling, along with reading daily information focused on individual satisfaction, gradually shifted my outlook from collectivist to individualistic

2. Living in a culture where there is a lot less emphasis on individuation, and a lot more on community, family and somewhat prescribed rules of life, caused me to feel frustrated. Particularly frustrated with identity e.g. why do I have to get permission from parents at this age, when what I want is to make my own decision, which includes getting a tattoo because that’s what will make me happy! (Or so I thought).
But then: feeling guilty for disregarding my ‘duties’ and feeling selfish.

3. Feeling depressed and irritated because of things I felt limited me and my experiences, due to culture and religion. Because all I wanted was to do whatever I wanted because then I would be happy. Feeling like I can never be happy if I can’t do the things I want/ like/ desire and comparing my limitations to other peoples’ freedom.

But I know, it is not all about me. Just because someone can’t do what they love doesn’t mean they can’t be happy and lead a fulfilling life. On the contrary, when you feel like the only way you’ll be happy is by doing what you love that’s when your life loses a lot of meaning and satisfaction. Only a small percentage of the population will do what they love for a living. Reality is most lives are mediocre and most people do what they have to do, but try to do it with joy.

It comes down to your values.

When you feel discontented or unsatisfied, try and find what makes you happy and as a result you’ll be aware of what you value. The more in tune you are, and the more you act in accordance with your values the more content and happy you will feel. This is known as being congruent or being true to yourself.

In the above example you can see how my values changed and that the importance I placed on certain things fluctuated. And always does. But there is a reason why I grew up with values of unity, selflessness and god consciousness, and I hope I never forget that.

“Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.”
-Henry David Thoreau

Internalized Enemy [ii]

A different perspective on the inner critical voice talked about in the previous post.

Islam doesn’t disregard mental issues, in fact we are given guidance on how to respond and the things to look out for, for example in this supplication: O Allah, I seek refuge with You from anxiety, and sorrow, and weakness, and laziness, and miserliness, and cowardice, and the burden of debts and from being overpowered by men.
The above supplication is one of my favourites as it includes symptoms that lead to, and manifest in depression and mental ill health e.g. sorrow, laziness and miserliness etc. This also highlights the fact that we are not abnormal for experiencing these things. It is a side of man that we should be aware of.

Islamically we are not taken to account for our thoughts, but we are encouraged to observe them and be careful in how we respond to them i.e. not act on negative thoughts, because our actions will be accounted for.
For example someone might feel an urge to self harm, to stop the inner critic, but harming one’s self is forbidden. Or uttering unkind/ unthoughtful words to someone as a result of our critical perceptions will be accounted for, so it is best to think before you act, especially since the voice is most likely giving you a distorted perception of reality and yourself.

(Sahih al-Bukhari :: Hadith 6664) Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, “Allah forgives my followers those (evil deeds) their souls may whisper or suggest to them as long as they do not act (on it) or speak.”

I want to mention the idea of these thoughts being whispers from Shaytan ‘waswas’. Islam teaches that Shaytan knows us very well and will work on bringing us away from God. He starts with the small things and plays on individual weaknesses. This could be a lot to do with the negative voice in our heads, since the voice distorts reality, amplifies our fears and weaknesses and can cause us to doubt, be miserable and develop ill feelings towards others. Although this could be an explanation for the internal enemy, it is not to be taken as the sole reason.
In the above hadith our souls are referred to as whispering to us too, this means that each person has in them a potential to cause self destruction, and since that is what our thoughts can do it is helpful to be aware of the content and response of the voice to understand the cause. E.g. if you begin to notice yourself always criticizing your appearance and being unkind to yourself due to social comparison then try and understand the reason behind this, where does that come from?

Sometimes when our thoughts become overwhelming, frustraing and we feel extremely hopeless and just want to give up on life, the Prophet has given us some advice:

(Sahih al-Bukhari :: Hadith 6351) Narrated Anas:Allah’s Messenger said, “None of you should long for death because of a calamity that had befallen him, and if he cannot, but long for death, then he should say, ‘O Allah! Let me live as long as life is better for me, and take my life if death is better for me.'”

Know that having faith in God will ease your suffering, going through any kind of hardship will not go unnoticed and God knows well that our minds can escape our control and is subject to negative thinking and criticism.
We can also see that ignoring the voice and seeking refuge in God are two ways that we can help silence the voice. It is well known that paying less attention to the voice will make it quieter, just like listening to it will make it louder…

One thing that is common for Muslims to respond to someone suffering with negative thoughts is to ‘remember Allah’/ ‘do dhikr’. Although a depressed person may not want to be told what to do, but rather just wants someone to listen, the advice is well meaning. When we get negative thoughts it’s best to divert your attention, and dhikr is probably a really good way to do that. By engaging in dhikr you are helping yourself to keep a realistic perception, to look at the bigger picture and to affirm your faith in God, which can help you feel comfort and connection rather than irritation and isolation.

We are not controlled by our thoughts, but we can control our thoughts. It’s important not to become fearful or victim of the negative voice but acknowledge and recognize its presence so you can work to diminish it.

Internalized Enemy

 

All of us have that critical voice in our heads that can help us reflect on our behaviour and actions. It has it’s uses. But when you’re depressed it can break you down from the inside out.

The nature of depression means that it can debilitate the sufferer from even engaging in any action to overcome the depression; feeling helpless, useless, lethargic and hopeless. And when this inner self critic is very much alive it can be even more difficult to see the silver lining. Usually the frequency and intensity of the voice will be related to the severity of depression. The more depressed one feels the more likely it is that the voice has taken the front seat in their mind. It is also a sign of low self esteem, which gets lower as the voice gets stronger.
Gradually, everything becomes viewed through that voice and the world becomes tarnished. The sufferer’s self perception becomes distorted and views of reality become fragmented.

For example, you share an idea with friends or colleagues but it doesn’t get taken any further and you think ‘what was the point? No one’s ever going to take you seriously, you never make things happen’, or you spend a bit more than you planned and the voice goes off ‘you’re never going to get anywhere if you can’t even save your money, you never learn’, or when you’re feeling down, and, to the frustration of your family, you reside from doing your household chores ‘you’re useless, you never do anything for anyone, there’s no point in you being here, no one needs you’ etc. We might experience this now and again as a frustration to ourselves but for a depressed person these can be of serious concern and become internalized perceptions of the self i.e. I am not valued, I am irresponsible, I am worthless.

Maybe you’re aware of particular statements your voice raises in specific situations, this awareness will help put a silencer on the voice. So what can you do about it?
As I mentioned earlier, a depressed person will be in a vicious cycle where their mental state will make it really difficult for them to take any action to counteract their this, but it is worth making the extra effort even when you have little energy.

It is helpful to realize when the thoughts occur so that you can uncover the cause.
-Writing the comments down in third person will help externalize the voice as if it’s coming from outside yourself, which will help put a gap between it and yourself.
-Talking to someone who is more positive
-Engage in activities that were once enjoyable to you. Even though they may have lost all pleasure, they may spark some positive energy or help you overcome the feelings of indifference.
-Think of the logical explanations for the way someone is acting or the way an event turned out.

The longer the negative self- image and negative voice have been with you and been given attention to, the more they will grow! So reversing them and their effects will take as much time and attention as it did to get them to where they are now.

I’ll end with a metaphor that I head once and made great sense to me:
Picture yourself standing on a train platform. One stops in front of you, it doesn’t look or sound very positive but you decide to get on. Consequently this train begins to approach the platform more frequently. It becomes filled with more negativity; you decide it’s perfectly fine, you can sit in a quiet corner, and again get on the train. You start to feel the air of criticism surrounding you. It’s not a good feeling and you realize you don’t want to be there anymore. Next time you try and ignore it when it stops in front of you with open doors. It’s difficult because it’s becoming loud and irritated. You close your eyes to shut it out and eventually it leaves. To be followed by a cleaner, smoother running train. The more you get on this one the more frequently it arrives.

You’ve probably guessed that the trains are your thoughts, the more you entertain and engage with the type of thoughts that come into your mind the more frequently and more intensely they will occur. You can even take it a step further and imagine that each train is going to a different destination or in a different direction or has a different colour presenting a different emotion. You would only get on the one which you were comfortable with and avoid the ones with signs that will take you the wrong way.

Several trains will approach you, it is your choice which one you get on.

Stories and Silence

Every single person has a story to tell, a story of events that have shaped them; tragedies, drama and romance. But these days our minds and hearts are bombarded with more than enough information for us to know what to do with it. Open your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and you will be fed hundreds of snippets of others’ lives whether you want to receive them or not. And that can sometimes be a problem. By receiving all this information we can feel overwhelmed, we can be left feeling confused about our own existence in this world of ‘sharing’. It’s strange how the more we share the less we are actually connecting (from a mental health view) and this can make us feel more alone. It’s all well and good when you have a loyal following and have your views heard but not so easy when people skim the surface and miss the deeper meaning. Maybe it’s all too common now as it’s abnormal not to use social media and as a result our brains are rewiring to adjust to the influx of information.

I got to a point where I was completely irritated and fed up with social media (more to come on this later) so I went for a year without really using my Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts, I deleted the apps off my phone as it had become ridiculous how much time I’d spend early morning and late night scrolling through the feeds! But recently I’ve started using them again. As I sit there, very frequently, scrolling through, I see hundreds of images, read thousands of words and am shown dozens of different perspectives. But I can feel myself beginning to want things to speed up, to get somewhere, to be hurried. And this is the problem. What am I gaining from taking in all this information from all parts of the world? What is it adding to my life? The answer is- not much. I’m missing the space I used to give myself to take in the detail around me and to reflect on daily events.
By not allowing time or space to slow down you don’t really hear another person fully; and that’s where the silence lies. Our stories are scanned over but no one wants to know more, no one would understand what’s behind the words just from a 140-character summary. And would anyone acknowledge your silence? The things you don’t say? And the times when you say nothing?

I believe it’s more important to listen out for the silence. When a person is going through depression that’s what you will most likely hear- quiet. Along with other reasons, they are either thinking over everything to themselves and living in their own reality, or they’re becoming numb to experiences so they don’t share them.
Look for the stories that are not being told. The world can get caught up in social media and lose substance, the most important thing is to make connections with those in your life who are there and will listen.
You are a life full of events, feelings and thoughts, you deserve to be heard and valued so share your stories to those who will appreciate them.

Everyone has a story to tell, we just need to be willing to listen.

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” [Ralph G. Nichols]

Here Goes

 

That one moment where you doubt yourself, or compare yourself, or criticize yourself can usually be scrunched up and recycled into looking on the positive side.
Yes I wish I didn’t feel so useless but no, I won’t allow that, I will do something. And so you do.
But then those moments seem to occur more frequently, you try harder to just ‘don’t think about it’ but as days and weeks go by you notice they become the only thing you see. Your bright vision becomes blurred, and gradually you cover all your experiences with a dusting of darkness. Things that did never bother you, like your mother asking what you want to eat or your sister and her need to keep things in order or your brother and his wish list, slowly become increasingly irritating and you might even find yourself crying for ‘no particular reason’. Now there’s something wrong with everything, including you.

A morning look in the mirror changed from a happy glow to a sunken frown. Those cheerful conversations with your family have been replaced by silence. And that motivation to do things is nowhere to be found. You despise it but it has somehow become your cushion, a place that requires no effort to maintain, where no hopes can be crushed, but in return leaves you feeling numb.

This is one example of what depression feels like.

It is defined as [according to the Oxford dictionary]:

1 [mass noun] Severe, typically prolonged, feelings of despondency and dejection: self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression
1.1 Medicine A mental condition characterized by severe feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy, typically accompanied by a lack of energy and interest in life: she suffered from clinical depression
According to the Royal College of Psychiatrists one in five people will experience depression in life, so it is vital to be aware of the signals.

In the above example you can see the following signs/ symptoms:
Self doubt, feelings of dejection and inadequacy, low self esteem, feeling of loss of control, disrupted appetite, feeling irritable and intolerant of others, sadness and feeling teary, feeling tired and fatigued, loss of concentration, no motivation, feeling guilty, change in behaviour and/ or speech and lack of enjoyment.

Depression can be detrimental to the individual suffering, and those around them. With a domino effect it can cause all areas of your life to fall; self, relationships, home, career, studies and its worst can lead a person to commit suicide. Having an awareness of mental health is important to say the least. And that’s what this blog aims to do.

I will draw on experiences of my own and others, knowledge and learning throughout my study of Psychology and reflections on research and articles. Hoping it will help me de-clutter my own mind and maybe do some greater good on the way.

” Carefully watch your thoughts, for they become your words. Manage and watch your words, for they will become your actions. Consider and judge your actions, for they have become your habits. Acknowledge and watch your habits, for they shall become your values. Understand and embrace your values, for they become your destiny.” [Mahatma Gandhi]