In every story there are heroes and villains, even in our own stories. Think about the ‘good’ people in your life, and the ‘bad’ people and where do you fit into this?
It’s true our environments and the people around us shape us, to an extent, and that as a ‘victim’ there are a lot of bad people and bad things around us, which make our life bad, but if others are bad then that means we are good and we are right and it’s not our fault these bad things are happening. It’s easier to be the ‘victim’ and we’d all prefer to be the victim than the perpetrator.
The victim mentality leads us to believe that we are under attack or that we are a target for others negativity. We feel a high frequency of negative emotional states as a result of this mentality (and a few short- lived positive feelings.) It is a personality trait that develops over time, with eventual habitual thoughts. This could occur for several reasons including a desire for sympathy and/ or believing that you had no control over a negative event that occurred.
The manifestation of the victim mentality can be seen in several ways. Such as: blaming others for events that occurred, not taking responsibility for your own actions or for your own input in your situation, every time you try and help this person see things from a different perspective they will either become defensive or stubborn; ‘yeah but…’ will often be heard, or responses that make you feel like you’re being selfish, unhelpful and inconsiderate. But in reality the person is not ready to own the reality. They compare themselves to others e.g. questioning why negative things happen to them and believing that everyone else is generally more happier and living better lives than them. They generally have a negative outlook on life and readily focus on the bad. They may also exhibit feelings of powerlessness, helplessness and being self absorbed.
“The problem that we have with a victim mentality is that we forget to see the blessings of the day. Because of this, our spirit is poisoned instead of nourished.” – Steve Maraboli
The victim mentality is an example of learned helplessness. For example having parents who did not take responsibility for things or having experienced bullying during childhood.
In the Muslim or South Asian population there are other factors that tend to cause people to feel helpless and factors that make it quite easy to shift the blame off ourselves: Evil Eye and Black Magic.
I believe these are real phenomena, but I also know that a lot of people, especially elders, living in the West tend to focus on these as the causes for negative events that occur in their life. Especially regarding ones physical and mental health. When someone is unsuccessful in several job interviews, when someone’s marriage breaks off, when a person is feeling depressed; ‘it’s evil eye’ or ‘someone’s done this’. And people start becoming suspicious; start thinking of who and why someone would be out to destroy their life. The situation is easier to live with in some ways, for example if a person is experiencing depression caused by ongoing family issues but the family decide that someone has done black magic- all responsibility from immediate family members is removed, responsibility from the individual is removed, there is less chance for anyone to believe they are part of the problem and little belief that they have control over the situation to change it.
I know sometimes it’s difficult to let go of significant events that have burdened you for years, but as adults we owe it to ourselves to reconcile with our stories and overcome the defeatist attitude. It is very important for people to take responsibility for our own lives and actions. In addressing this mentality it’s important to be empathic in your approach and try to really hear where the person is coming from.
I always thought I had everything worked out but then I found myself being overtaken by constant repetition of my problems, always thinking about the things that have occurred and things that I was ‘victim’ to. A personality is difficult to change but not impossible, and the first step is being aware of the victim mentality anytime it emerges.
“Indeed, God will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (Quran 13:11)
It's A Mental Life 